{three days ago, M told me clearly that he didn’t want me to feel censored here, at least by him. so I’m going to post this. any censoring is done by myself from here on out.}
After yesterday’s post I figured we were on a major upswing. I wrote it right after leaving a meeting with our life ins./investment advisor. {this post has little to do with sex and everything to do with marriage and relationships. feel free to click away and come back later for the smut.} During the meeting we both spoke freely about our issues with money – i.e., he is a tight-fisted disciplinarian saver, and I think there should be more of a balance between saving for the future and living in the present. This has been a battle for me, I used to be the type to way overspend and run up credit balances. But right now, we have next-to-no debt, a very comfortable cushion of savings, and college accounts for the kids. Both of us work for non-profits, and what we make combined is probably less than what most of you people make on your own. But as M has put the savings pressure on, we’ve gotten to the point where we save about 40% of our income. {in 2003, the national average was 1.4%} It’s kind of ridiculous.
I know it’s probably not ‘polite’ to talk about money with strangers, but I felt like you needed the background to what happened later. We left our meeting with smiles on our faces, having been told that we have enough cash right now, and that we should rearrange & reprioritize where the money is going so that we can better plan for retirement. I actually felt positive about our situation for the first time in ages. All my resentment towards M for being so strict had faded for the moment. I felt good that we’d done so well. We even high fived each other in the parking lot.
But last night, M revealed his true feelings. He reasserted that he still didn’t think we had enough in savings, despite what our professional advisor said. He completely disagrees with placing a higher level of importance on saving for retirement than saving for college, despite the opinion of pretty much every financial expert ever. {The kids can get loans & scholarships for college, no one will ever give us a loan or scholarship for retirement.} He is SO damn unapologetic and smug when he says this stuff. And as a result, I’m back to feeling like our immediate needs are less a priority than this nebulous ‘future’. I have resisted going to a therapist for my depression because he’s made it clear we ‘don’t have the money.’ I can’t feel free to buy clothes for my shrinking frame because we ‘don’t have the money.’ I am always looking over my shoulder when I spend, afraid of his reactions.
His actions say that he cares more about money than about experiences or time spent with family. Bottom line is, I feel like he cares more about the amount in our savings account than about living today, about compromise, about my mental health, about making me feel secure, and safe, and loved.
You say here that he reasserted his feelings, but you neglect to say whether you had the opportunity to reassert yours. Your frustration and his apparent stubbornness must somehow be reconciled. Is there any way he could make some compromises for *You*? You are his wife, after all. I would hope that counts for some decision making from your combined (emphasis on that word) earnings. Surely you should have control over what you earn?
LP x
I’m still carrying a ton of baggage from when I screwed things up financially when we first got married. I’m sure a lot of my cowering behavior comes from the remaining guilt I have.
You know, everyone I’ve ever talked to about our combined finances asks me the same thing, ‘Surely you should have control over what you earn?’ It’s not a simple thing with an easy answer. And I don’t know if we’ll ever figure it out.
As someone who would love to save, and just can’t – the light bill or the savings account, which do I choose? – I admire that you’ve been able to do it so successfully…that being said – not go to therapy for your depression because of the money? We’re talking your health here – not knowing a damn thing about your relationship/marriage I would say that’s worth a conversation…but of course, like you said, you have residual guilt too…
I hope it’s something you’re able to talk about, find the compromise on, and hopefully, let go of guilt from years ago…
Thanks for chiming in – I understand that we’re unbelievably lucky to not have rent/mortgage to worry about (right now, at least) and so we sock all of that away in various places. I hate seeing hardworking people that have no choice – the power bill HAS to be paid.
Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.
I could write a novel about money, about fucking up with money, and about living with regret. It’s an awful, awful feeling. No one needs to beat me with the “you’re a fuck up with money” stick because I already beat myself with it far too often. What I do know for certain, in my own case, unresolved past issues will always influence how one handles money. I think I may have finally resolved my own money issues, and it has taken years. And it has cost a lot. Nothing about money is ever black and white, and nothing about money is ever simple. Nor is it ever just about money. The danger is that we can continually worry about saving for a future that never comes because that’s the elusive nature about tomorrow. It never seems to arrive. And, from what you’ve shared, you are both doing very, very well. I feel silly and lacking in any sort of authority when I tell you that there ought to come a point when you can let yourself off the hook for past mistakes because mistakes are far more important in life than successes. We learn far more from our failures than our successes. You are who you are now, more mature and wiser, because of your past decisions. You now have something worthwhile to pass on to your children–stories to tell. You have strong ground upon which you can stand, not ground upon which to cower. You have a strong voice. It’s all over your blog. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and beauty is a necessary part of maintaining mental health. Clothes that fit, a biochemistry that works, and a “voice” that modulates itself properly in all aspects of your life–what is money for if it can’t be used for such a time as this? It’s a necessary tool that will grow rusty being set aside for a future that won’t be worth saving for if it isn’t wisely allocated for the present…which is really all we have. Shalom to you.
I’ve read this comment 3 times, and I’ve cried over it 3 times. THANK YOU for being so affirming. Is it weird to say I wish we lived next door? And I totally agree, what the fuck is money for if not to use for things we need? I’m not talking WANTS here.
It would be *so* nice to pop on over to your place for a cuppa tea…or something stronger from time to time, yes? I would love being neighbors with you. So…now we’re blogging neighbors. It’s better’n nothin’. I’m glad you feel affirmed. And, ain’t nothing wrong with wanting a few things either. xoxo
OK, so you screwed some things up financially when you got married. What was that, over a decade ago? Using that to somehow guilt you into NOT doing some things that are good for you is deplorable, IMO.
As another commenter pointed out, it’s your money too, so presumably you have some control over how it’s spent. Take care of yourself dammit!
I’m never sure who’s guilting me into things, him, or myself? And I should clarify his control over things is a more general feeling. It’s not like he scrutinizes the grocery store receipt.