I’m so, so tired.
I can’t be in two places at once tonight like I want to be.
We had a good weekend and now we’re fighting.
I got the time wrong on my counseling appointment today.
My head hurts.
My foot hurts.
My heart hurts.
Author Archives:
changes
Ok, you sexy things… my sexual likes and dislikes are changing. I don’t know particularly why, either. I used to be brought to the edge of orgasm simply by M touching my nipples. And now I can barely stand the sensation, unless he is firmly massaging my tits at the same time. Light touch makes me want to scream, and not in a good or pleasant way. I used to need more time before he went for my cunt with his fingers, now it’s the first thing I want him to do – rubbing my outer labia is an immediate ticket to arousal. But not inside – I need to be really wet first.
Has anyone else had their physical responses change like this? Is it a product of getting older (I’m 35)? Is it all tied into the state of our marriage? It seems like if it were age-related it’d have been more gradual; this feels quite sudden. There doesn’t appear to be correlation between my differing responses and where I am hormonally.
I think most of my distress regarding this comes from the fact that I need to do better about telling M these things. If I don’t, next time he goes for my nipples straight away I’m likely to have a bad reaction, like I still sometimes do when my sides and back are touched too lightly. And that’s just all kinds of unfair to both of us.
Ow.
I’m trying to think of a more painful way to die than this, but I’m having a hard time coming up with anything. Holy shit.
struggling.
I’m sure you’re all going “Good LORD, Anisa is a lot of work. Can’t she just post a tit-pic or something and shut the fuck up about her stupid depressing life?”
I probably could. Maybe I should. But I’m struggling right now with keeping my head above water. I’m experiencing some amazing stuff at work, and naturally, along with the amazing comes the uber-frustrating. Sometimes I wish I could just whisk my work away to a gigantic log cabin in a forest by a sunny lake, and take care of my charges and responsibilities free from Tea-Party Conspiracy Theorist Office Mates and Grown Adult Misogynist Men Who Need Baby-Sitting and Computers That Mysteriously Lose Files.
In five days my relationship with M turns 15 years old (married for nearly 12). And things are so awful right now. I have the hardest time talking to him. I am ostriching, in the worst way. I read posts like this one and, while I’m happy for JK & Sofia – really, I am – I’m very, very envious. I wonder if M ever felt that way about me; if I’m woman enough to have inspired him to feel that way, even if he never would or could write it down. We had sex the other morning, and because it’d been so long I could have kept on orgasming after the first strong one, if he’d just stayed where he was, fucking me deep. Instead he turned me over the edge of the bed and came after a minute. And I still can’t talk to him. I don’t want to. I don’t have the words or the energy or the desire. Boy, that tells us all something, doesn’t it?
I read a blog post yesterday by some judgmental idiot that said EVERY woman who has an affair is a whore with no self-control. She implied that there could be no other reason for adultery. And fuck if I didn’t keep reading and then read all the shitty comments, because a good self-flagellation is just what I need, apparently.
Anyone have anything good to tell me to get my focus off myself for half a minute?
how you can help
Dear Internetz,
I need a hug. I need a drink. I need to not be on my period. I need to get away from people in my office who are giving me the rages. I need people to turn off the fucking 24-hour ‘news’ coverage and go outside. I need more orgasms. I need to take it down a notch or ten.
I need a hug.
(And a thorough rogering.)
xxoo,
Anisa
hair-trigger
Last night I had a sexy dream about M, myself, and a couple we know all gettin’ it on together.
And so now I’m kind of… eager, you might say.
reaction
Sometimes, when I read, watch, or see something, I get a little reaction. Here’s a short list of things that turn me on:
- sexy blog posts extolling the sweet virtues of a person’s partner
- sexy blog posts with pictures of boobs
- full lips (on ladies)
- broad chests (on dudes)
- sharp wits that somehow manage to keep it friendly and not descend into sarcastic assholery (on anyone)
When I run into those things, here’s what happens…
My eyes narrow.
My thighs squeeze together.
My pussy clenches a few times, and gets quite slick.
My nipples tingle.
My breathing gets deeper.
Sometimes I see myself as one of the players in the story or picture or movie. Other times I’m inserted off to the side as an observer. Occasionally I’ll use this inspired physical longing to get off, either on my own or along with M. I haven’t lately, though. I haven’t come since… hmmm, if it takes this long to count the days, it’s been too long.
Here are some things provoking a reaction in me lately:
- Hy gets real
- Scarlett has a snack
- Sofia gets a reminder
- this
- and this
- and also this
- holyshitandthisOMGUNNNNNGGGGHHH (see below)
That’s my man, right thar.
Anything else you want to know, JK & MariMar?
not so fast
I turned my phone off during my counseling session on Tuesday. When I was done, I turned it on and had a text from M. I answered it, and later called him to follow up.
I text him “I hope you sleep in the bed tonight – I have missed you.” When he comes home, he hugs me nicely.
We’re both sitting on the couch while dinner cooks, I’m filling him in on a bunch of work news. We eat dinner. I tease him a little about getting misty-eyed at an episode of Doctor Who, especially considering he never ever cries. He takes an extraordinary, out-of-proportion amount of offense at my teasing.
Our boy asks if he can say the word ‘damned’, because he doesn’t like to say bad words. I tell him it depends on the sentence he’s saying it in, and thank him for asking first. I explain if it refers to a group or situation that’s in peril or beyond hope, then that’s the appropriate non-swearing usage. M says, ‘You know, like my marriage is damned.’ – and laughs. I die a little. (I die a little more writing it down in this post.) (I die even more wondering what on earth my son thought he meant.)
We’re watching something together online, he falls asleep and so instead of pestering him to stay awake, I stop the show and turn the computer off. He gets mad, thinking I’m mad at him for falling asleep when actually I’m just turning it off so I don’t have to keep him awake and we can watch it later. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
When I come out, he’s got my phone, scrolling through call records and texts. “Looking for something in particular?”
He thinks that because he couldn’t reach me, because he didn’t know I had a counseling appointment, because I didn’t answer his text, that I was out fucking someone else. He says our whole marriage dynamic is my fault. I created this situation, he says. I don’t take initiative to fix it, he says.
We barely spoke yesterday. My daughter slept in the bed with me last night.
We fell asleep listening to African lullabies.
mezzo
as a young lad, i used to fuck to music
now, i make my own
it's a strange and beautiful cacophony
with you on lead vocals
belting, belting, belting
out my name
I love this poem long time.
all good.
We lay together on the couch, watching Doctor Who. I get up to get a drink, and during that time he hits pause, and opens up V&R’s tumblr (one of our absolute favorites). I lay on top of him and we start the kind of making out that is the fucking best – groping, deep tongue kisses, pressing our bodies together like our lives depend on it. First my shirt comes off, then my pants. After I kiss my way down his body, I loosen his belt, slide his shorts down, and lick his balls while he strokes his cock.
Gah, that’s making me hot, just writing about it.
Things progressed rather thoroughly from there. So thoroughly that we collapsed together onto the bed after he came deep inside my ass.
******
I told my counselor today that I feel very peaceful these days. Apparently the currently effective recipe is a combination of prayer, yoga, Paxil, and counseling. We went over my habits of conflict management, and soon M & I will have a conversation about how I can address the shortfalls I have in that area. I don’t know exactly where this place we’re in is, but I’m glad we’re here. It’s all good.
******
I leave you with this. Because I can.
