changes

Ok, you sexy things… my sexual likes and dislikes are changing. I don’t know particularly why, either. I used to be brought to the edge of orgasm simply by M touching my nipples. And now I can barely stand the sensation, unless he is firmly massaging my tits at the same time. Light touch makes me want to scream, and not in a good or pleasant way. I used to need more time before he went for my cunt with his fingers, now it’s the first thing I want him to do – rubbing my outer labia is an immediate ticket to arousal. But not inside – I need to be really wet first.

Has anyone else had their physical responses change like this? Is it a product of getting older (I’m 35)? Is it all tied into the state of our marriage? It seems like if it were age-related it’d have been more gradual; this feels quite sudden. There doesn’t appear to be correlation between my differing responses and where I am hormonally.

I think most of my distress regarding this comes from the fact that I need to do better about telling M these things. If I don’t, next time he goes for my nipples straight away I’m likely to have a bad reaction, like I still sometimes do when my sides and back are touched too lightly. And that’s just all kinds of unfair to both of us.

endings and beginnings

I’m thinking about people I love today.

I’m thinking about April 2006. It’s been seven years since my young cousin died of a heroin overdose. It was an ugly death – shocked us all even though we knew he struggled with his addiction. No one wants to think about a 21 year old kid dying alone on the floor while his ‘friends’ flush their drugs and clean up the paraphernalia before they bother to call 911. I still think about him all the time. I still ache for his parents, his sister, and for all of us who miss him.

I’m thinking about some good friends of mine, who after a 5 year wait are spending the day consumed with hope and fear over a court date taking place across the world; an event that determines the future of one little 10 month old boy and the potential adoptive parents who already love him. A few more hours and they’ll know if his parents relinquish custody and if he’s theirs. It will be nice to have a different reason to remember April 9th.

I’m thinking about my marriage. My counselor has asked me to write a letter to M, one that I’ll probably never give him. I can’t get started. I don’t know what to say. It’s tempting to let the current harmony we’re experiencing fool me into thinking we’re TOTALLY FINE. But I know we have so much work to do.

I’m thinking about how M’s been sleeping in the bed almost every night lately, and about how that makes me really happy and loved, even if it’s not always sexy.

I’m thinking about how I haven’t talked to Reed in a long time, and that I miss him a lot.

I’m thinking about my Gram, and how I hope she and my cousin are in a lovely place together waiting for the rest of us.

I’m thinking about my kids and how sometimes it hurts to look at them because they are so beautiful.

I’m thinking about people I love today.

july/august

The first part of July was spent in a haze. A lonely, frightening haze. Was I still going to take a month off work and travel? Would he let me leave? Should I come back?

It was decided that I would keep my plans, except instead of stopping in one state for the night with a couple of blogging friends and possibly hooking up with one or both of them, I’d detour and stay in my old college town. My daughter and I wandered north for a while and then west. And then M & my son met us for a bit. We left the boy with his grandparents and headed back south, the three of us.

I could almost never read how M was feeling. And I didn’t do a good job of asking. And he didn’t/doesn’t do a good job of volunteering information unless it’s something that’s pissed him off. But we were mostly amiable towards one another and enjoyed our travels.

We returned home. Our sex life was basic and what I would call normal-ish for a couple married for 11+ years. I went back to work, expecting to feel refreshed and to have a gung-ho attitude. I didn’t, and that was upsetting. Nothing had changed – my entire life was going to forevermore consist of me going through the motions, being lonely, depressed, and tired. When he was nice I didn’t want to accept it for real because the forgiveness was freaking me out. But anytime M expressed anger or disappointment towards me I was certain he was only still furious because I had cheated on him. I felt like I was being punished, and like it would last forever.

a major award

Foster Drake has bestowed upon me a lovely blog award and though I may not pass it on, it’s always nice to have questions to answer. Here are Foster’s questions:

1. If the idea of beauty could be contained in an object, an animal, or a geographical location, what or where would it be?
   God, there are so many. I love the beauty of a peaceful lake in northern Wisconsin in August, a thoroughbred racehorse, and taking portraits of sweet faces. Who could narrow it down? Beauty is everywhere. 
2. If you could have afternoon tea with anyone currently living, who would you choose?
   This is easy. Reed, Lady Pandorah, and a twitter friend I can’t name because to do so would TOTALLY give me away. Either all at once or separately, I don’t care.
3. Choose 3 songs you would find appropriate for a peaceful evening under the stars with someone special.
   Have you all seriously not watched this video yet? Do you NEED another song???
   
4. What is your favorite clothing material to feel against your skin?
   It’s not clothing, but my bedsheets. Oy, soooo good. 
5. If you were held for ransom, what would be a proper starting point for your price?
   I’m not sure how to answer this other than to say I am priceless.
   
6. Name a movie role for which your personality would be a near perfect fit.
   This one stumped me, honestly. So as not to think I am a total slacker, I offer you that I have always imagined Marisa Tomei as me in the movie of my life.
   
7. If I were to whisper a short sentence in your ear, what might I say to turn you on?
   Almost regardless of what you say, if you say it in a British, Scottish, or New Zealander accent, I will be turned on.
   
8. A day of pleasantries and relaxation for you might include…?
   Some time at the beach, a good book, delicious and healthy meals which I am not responsible for preparing or cleaning up from, good company, and thoroughly good sex followed by a nap in a comfortable bed.
   
9. What was the last book you read?
   Deception, by Amanda Quick. Nothing too demanding or high-brow.
10. What is the worst autocorrect disaster you can recall?
    I don’t have autocorrect! But I do enjoy reading other people’s disasters… 
11. Name one thing you feel you can contribute to the world before you are gone.
    That I have raised my children to be good citizens, that I have stood up and spoken up for the downtrodden, and that I have not left anything worse than when I found it. Sorry, that’s three. I’ve never been much for rules.
    

I’m also to list 7 random facts about myself. Here goes:

1. I am terrified of snakes. I won’t even look at them on tv or in magazines.
2. I have composed this blog post while seriously drunk with almost no need to correct typos.
3. I am about to make a major change in careers. I am SO EXCITED.
4. I’m staring at M at the other end of the couch right now, dying to suck his cock. He’s not interested. Boo.
5. I have gone down two pants sizes since September.
6. My favorite movie of all time has my favorite animal and my least favorite animal in it. My favorite animal wins, though.
7. My current celebrity crush is Blake Shelton, and when I watch The Voice I wish I could be in a Blake Shelton/Adam Levine sandwich like, YESTERDAY.

I’d love to hear your answers to the above questions from the wonderful and kind Foster, as well as your random facts, either in the comments or on your own blog. Go for it!

Protected: self-love

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truth

I’ve followed this couple for a long while. They’ve got quite the courtship story. And recently their house burned down. But they’re still making some amazing stuff. It’s awesome that they made this video together. Love is all about communication, and so on Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate a couple who’s attempting to know each other better.

Oh, and this is pretty much EXACTLY where M and I were a couple years back. You could have sat us down at a table with a camera and we’d have said these very same things. I hope they make it past the other side, because they’re both cute as hell and I bet their sex would be HAWT.

(come on, you know you can spare 8 minutes to watch this.)

break

It’s pretty rare that M will refer to something he’s read here. He reads, usually, but has remained fairly hands-off. Last night, after filing our taxes (a chore that turned out to be easy, even giving us a few laughs), M disappeared into the bedroom for a few minutes, purportedly to look for a book he wanted to start reading. I looked over and he seemed to be fiddling with the bedcovers, which I thought was odd. He came back out and sat down on the couch, and said, “I’m sorry I gave you whiplash last week.”
“Thanks, I guess.”

We looked at a few naked pictures of Violet + Rye. I am typically only able to use onomatopoeia to describe their hotness. He then led me into the bedroom, and roughly shoved me face down onto the bed. My mind immediately started fogging up. My hands were tied above my head, each to a corner of the bed, where his earlier preparations had left us a rope secured for each hand. My clothes were off somehow. He was all over me, fingers, tongue. I briefly popped back into full consciousness when he stroked my sides in the way that makes me remember the ugliness. I jerked away almost violently. He moved onto other areas. The pleasant fog re-descended.

Over lunch  today I told M that I felt that because this is new for both of us that there’s some learning we both have to do. He can be kind of… bull-in-a-china-shop on occasion, forgetting his strength and weight and where he is in space. There were a few moments of “OUCH” in the midst of all the pleasure. But we found our angle, and rhythm, and it was good. There was spanking, with hands and paddle as he fucked me over the edge of the bed. I loved it.

But then, suddenly, I snapped into awareness and needed to take a break. I told him this and crawled up the bed (I’d been untied at this point) to shiver and weep in the fetal position. It bothered me that he just stood there, watching. Finally I gathered up the strength to extend an arm to him and he was instantly at my side, stroking my arms and hair and face as I came back to the surface completely.

He kissed me, and then he was on top of me, thrusting into my still-wet pussy. After a time, his orgasm triggered mine. He rolled off and after a bit, we drifted off to sleep together in the bed for the first time in a while.

primed

I had a dream. A sex dream. A hot, sexy sex dream about my first boyfriend who I dated my senior year of high school, and then again the summer after my freshman year of college. We never actually had sex, in real life. But we’d make out a LOT. One day, we were laying on his bed, kissing, and I put my leg over his, and he nearly immediately came in his pants. I’d do it a bunch of times when we were together. It was my first feeling of sexual power, of being a desirable person. I’ve never forgotten it.

Anyway, in the dream we were about to finally do it, and then I woke up. It was fairly early, but the sun was coming up. M rolled over and started rubbing my back and sides. I got up and went to the bathroom, then M took his turn. He massaged my back some more, and then pulled me over on top of him. Soon my shirt was off, and then my panties. And then came his clothes. I leaned up a little, and then he was inside me. We fucked for a long time, holding each other close. And then M told me to get the vibrator and lube. He had something in mind. He lubed up my ass and I helped him get the vibe in and turned on. It was about 3 minutes before we were both coming hard.

I rolled off him after a second, got myself cleaned up and laid back down. “I have to confess something.”

“What’s that?”
“I had a sex dream, about Dan.” (not his real name, OBVS.) “Does that make you mad?”
“Naw. But I never have sex dreams about another woman.”
“Oh, really?”
“Nope. I have sex dreams about other womEN.” He knows how to make me laugh.

The dream about Dan may have gotten me primed and ready, but I’m glad that M is the reality when I wake up.

no.

I considered just leaving the title of the post up there as an answer to yesterday’s.

Knowing M reads this blog occasionally makes it hard for me to know what to write anymore. All I can say is, we may not yet be back in the thick of another cold war, but it’s most definitely frosty here, despite our tropical “winter” weather. I’m miserable, he’s constantly unhappy with me.  I’m fucking tired of feeling lonely, unloved, unloveable, inadequate.

I don’t know what else to say.

 

reset

Everything I read about depression and having an exacerbating event (like the near wrecking of our marriage followed swiftly by the miscarriage) says that a person might need to only take meds for a short time, to reset and get back into a healthy thought pattern and brain chemistry.  I’m hoping that this is the case for me, and that I’m not headed for a lifetime of being medicated.

M and I needed a resetting, too.  Last night after it’d been a very dark day, I went to the gym for nearly 2 hours.  I truly punished my body, probably overly so, seeing as how I’m essentially physically useless today.  I came home, got dinner done and the kids settled.  We actually went to bed at close to the same time.  And then we fucked.

He kissed me, a lot.  I felt his cock pressing against me and he rolled me on top of him.  Someone asked me the other day what the biggest area of improvement on my body is since starting the gym in September, and I hesitated to tell them the truth, which is that my ass is pretty damn spectacular at this point.  M was reaping the benefits by gripping me there pretty firmly.  His cock felt amazing inside me, and we rocked like this for a while.  We flipped over and were face to face for a while. I like being face to face.  He has such a sexy face.

He turned me back onto my stomach.  I reached back behind me and guided him in. He doesn’t usually talk much during sex, but he kept telling me how good my ass felt against him.  I loved hearing it.  He went faster and faster and finally pulled out and shot his load all over my backside.

This morning my ass was all he could talk about. If that isn’t enough motivation to keep doing what I’m doing, I don’t know what is.