[There is sexy sex in this post, but you'll have to wait until the end. Or just scroll past all this other shit, whatevs. This is a long one but the whole story is important.]
Yesterday was a highly emotionally-charged day for me. Thursdays seem to be more difficult; 5 weeks ago I realized I was losing the baby on a Thursday, 2 years ago I got in a bad car wreck on a Thursday, and 3 weeks after that came down with Swine Flu on a Thursday. Of course all Thursdays aren’t fraught with bad memories – one of my kids was born on a Thursday, and that was one of the more amazing days of my life. (How many times can I insert the word Thursday into this paragraph?! One more – Thursday.)
Thursday afternoons are the worst since the miscarriage. I really should expect this and learn to better prepare. But the perfect storm brewed and lowered my mood to a very bad place. Work has been very frustrating, I just heard of someone getting pregnant accidentally, another person very close to me is pregnant and excitedly calling me with her ultrasound results, my back is sore from Wednesday’s workout with the trainer so I couldn’t push very hard at the gym in the morning, and my period is hours away from making its appearance (making it very obvious that the thing I most want and have to wait for is not going to be an easy “accident). For a normal person perhaps all these things added up wouldn’t be so debilitating. I think we’ve established that I’m NOT normal, though.
All this to say that when M & I finally saw each other at the end of the day, I wasn’t behaving too attractively. I had emailed N about some of this and had finished my tale of woe saying that if I didn’t get fucked tonight, I was going to go insane. You see, I’ve now got a list of things that function as anti-depressants, since I can’t afford them in pill form: fucking, going to the gym, the right kind of hug from M, singing, and my two solid gold friends. They help me push reset so I can be present for and enjoy M and my kids. I called Reed, which helped a lot. He made me laugh. But the effects of that wore off before I knew it.
I reached a stopping point while fixing dinner and decided to go lay on my bed where it was quiet. M came in after a bit and tried his best to talk to me, I wasn’t very helpful. It’s hard to answer the question, “What’s wrong?” when you barely know what the fuck is wrong. Still, when I’d gotten up and finished cooking, he gave me exactly the right kind of hug, which calmed me down enough to get through eating and cleaning up. While we were at the table I told him that I thought I needed to go back to the gym for a bit. That maybe a bike ride would help clear my head. He was totally on board, even though it meant him handling getting the kids to bed by himself which he has already done every night this week thanks to my weird hours.
I got to the gym, did the treadmill for 15 minutes, then headed to the bike. Watched Parks & Rec, laughed. Rode random hills. Left, a bit more clear-headed.
When I got home I said goodnight to Twitter, then snuggled into M on the couch. He showed me a sexy blog he thought was hot, but said it had too many words, I accused him of being more of a Tumblr man, with which he agreed. I pointed out a particularly hot video I’d seen one time and we watched it together. And then I took the only anti-depressant on my list I hadn’t yet tried.
We kissed deeply and for a long time. I turned back around to rest my back against him, and he played with my nipples over and then under my shirt. He reached down into my underwear with one hand to run his fingers over and through my pussy lips. After a few minutes I sat up and he stood in front of me with his cock out, pushing it into my mouth. I sucked him in and out, he felt particularly hard and large. He pulled me up, turned me around over the back of the couch, yanked my panties down and started fucking. This is a terrible angle for me, it hits my g-spot in the most uncomfortable place and isn’t pleasurable at all. I let him go on for a bit but then asked him to stop and move to the bed. We did so, and he bend me over the end. He started getting rougher and I cried out in fear. He laid down on me and I tearfully asked him to not be rough with me tonight. I was already too overwhelmed. He said ok, and slowly fucked me for a long time, it seemed. He forgot himself after a while, sped up and spanked me, which to my shock immediately gave me an orgasm. But I was crying, too. I didn’t want to stop fucking, but I was sobbing out all the anxiety and depression of the day, letting it spill over the edges of the dam I put up against it. M came deep inside after a while, and laid there holding me. When he softened and slipped out of me, I got up and went to clean up. Neither of us said anything about my tears. But it didn’t feel right to dissect what had just happened. There are things you analyze and there is plenty of stuff you shouldn’t. We fell asleep together in the bed for the first time in a while.
I guess I needed the entire list today. I’m glad I have my list.