endings and beginnings

I’m thinking about people I love today.

I’m thinking about April 2006. It’s been seven years since my young cousin died of a heroin overdose. It was an ugly death – shocked us all even though we knew he struggled with his addiction. No one wants to think about a 21 year old kid dying alone on the floor while his ‘friends’ flush their drugs and clean up the paraphernalia before they bother to call 911. I still think about him all the time. I still ache for his parents, his sister, and for all of us who miss him.

I’m thinking about some good friends of mine, who after a 5 year wait are spending the day consumed with hope and fear over a court date taking place across the world; an event that determines the future of one little 10 month old boy and the potential adoptive parents who already love him. A few more hours and they’ll know if his parents relinquish custody and if he’s theirs. It will be nice to have a different reason to remember April 9th.

I’m thinking about my marriage. My counselor has asked me to write a letter to M, one that I’ll probably never give him. I can’t get started. I don’t know what to say. It’s tempting to let the current harmony we’re experiencing fool me into thinking we’re TOTALLY FINE. But I know we have so much work to do.

I’m thinking about how M’s been sleeping in the bed almost every night lately, and about how that makes me really happy and loved, even if it’s not always sexy.

I’m thinking about how I haven’t talked to Reed in a long time, and that I miss him a lot.

I’m thinking about my Gram, and how I hope she and my cousin are in a lovely place together waiting for the rest of us.

I’m thinking about my kids and how sometimes it hurts to look at them because they are so beautiful.

I’m thinking about people I love today.

june

In June of last year my poor behavior caught up to me. I’ve spent the last months trying to figure out why I cheated on my husband. I wish I had some answer that would make you all nod in understanding/sympathy/forgiveness. The only simple answer is that there are no simple answers as to why a person goes outside the boundaries of a relationship.

M found me out by going through my phone which was full of incriminating text messages, but I’m pretty sure he had suspicions for some time before that. The immediate aftermath had him taking my phone away, changing all my passwords to all email, blog, and bank accounts. He took my credit cards. He took the modem with him to work so I couldn’t go online at home. This may seem extreme to some, not nearly extreme enough to others. But he was hurting, and desperate. I don’t blame him for these actions.

I spent a week living somewhere else, alone. And then he asked me to come home. And so I did. I didn’t really know what was next. I didn’t know if I wanted to fix things. I didn’t know if I wanted forgiveness or if I wanted to get divorced. I had never ever in my life felt more alone than I did in those weeks. I had no contact with anyone other than work and the kids. No one knew what was going on. The shame and guilt were terribly, terribly isolating. The weight of it all nearly broke me. And the way he was starting to forgive me freaked me the fuck out.

dipping my toes in

I’ve logged in probably 10 times recently, thinking and hoping I’d just sit down to write and that it’d go smoothly and the words would simply flow. Doesn’t work that way.

But know that I’m ok. We’re ok. We’re connecting and navigating the time in front of us as it comes.

I’ve made a decision to take an extended break from work this summer and do some traveling; at first it’ll just be me & our daughter, then M & our son will join us. I’ve set up a trip blog for this and will be posting during the prep time and then along the way. If anyone wants the link, leave a comment and I’ll email it to you. But since I use our actual names on there, PLEASE, if you comment on the trip blog DO NOT link to your sex blogs that could connect the dots from there to here. I’ve got all comments going to moderation over there to help safeguard everyone’s privacy.

There, have I broken the ice enough to get back to writing about sexy sex? Only time will tell.

 

life creeps in

I’m tired.

We’re having the semi-annual discussion about why he won’t sleep in the bed.

He’s sick.

He’s stressed.

I’m going out of town for a few days, headed to my grandfather’s funeral.

 

Add it up and it comes out to not having a whole lot of sexy sex. I hope when I get back we make up for lost time.

M speaks

A: I haven’t posted in a while. What should I write about?

M: How I’m gonna give it to you up the ass tonight.

A: Really?

M: Yeah, after I tie you to the bed and spank you so hard you can’t sit down tomorrow. Then I’ll put clothespins on your nipples.

A: NO WAY. [to the clothespins, not the tying up and/or spanking.] Hey, can I interview you?

M: No.

A: Come on! Who is the sexiest person ever?

M: I’m not doing an interview with you.

A: Why not?

M: Fine. Uh… (long pause) I… I don’t know who the sexiest person ever is. Me?

A: What have we done recently that you’ve really liked?

M: Made you squirt.
[I forgot to add in this post that there was a HUGE wet spot on the bed after I came while he was eating me out. *glows with pride*]

A: What are you looking forward to trying next?

M: Woman.

A: Can you elaborate?

M: A second woman.

A: What do you hope she looks like?

M: That she has beautiful eyes and huge knockers.

A: What, mine aren’t big enough for you?

M: No, yours are plenty fine. Really that she’s not 51.
[the woman we thought might work out from CL turned out to be 51, past our preferred age range of 25-45]

A: What if I want to see you fuck her?

M: That’s fine.

A: Do you have a hard-on right now?

M: Give me 30 seconds and I can.

A: Do you have any questions for me?

M: Uh, no? Maybe? I guess… I’ll come back to that.

A: When?

M: I’ll have to check my daytimer.

A: But I thought I was your secretary? You’re totally sleeping with your secretary.

M: Yeah.

A: It’s like you work for Sterling Cooper Draper Price.

M: (long pause) What? Okay.

I probably shouldn’t interview him during a baseball game.

********edit********

M: Wait, you don’t have any more questions?

A: You seemed to be done. I already published.

M: It was a statement, not a question.

A: Ok, If you could only do one sexual thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

M: Oh, good Lord. Uh… receive blowjobs.

A: Well, that’s predictably male answer.

M: Well, it’s not gonna be masturbation!

A: Well, what if I’m dead?

M: I didn’t specifically say I’d get them from you.

A: You’re so sweet.

M: Yes. I mean, it would be from you until you die. Plan on doing that anytime soon?

A: Not if I can help it, dear. If you could pick any man alive to have sex with, who would it be?

M: I’ve never really thought about it. (very long pause) I don’t think there’s an answer to that question.

A: Hmmm. Have you ever had a crush on any of our friends?

M: I don’t want to say crush, but… I don’t know.

A: Let me put it this way…

M: (predicting what I was about to ask) Did I ever want to *do* any of our friends? I guess I was somewhat interested in S—— and then I was a little interested in K—–, and then I lost interest, but then I saw her <doing an activity I DETEST but that he loves> and then I thought I want to kidnap her and run away to Belize. Plus she cuddles with her husband.

A: We cuddle. [We do!!]

M: Yes.

A: How come you never told me about thinking they were hot?

M: It seems obvious not to tell your wife that. I don’t think they’re hot, there was just this… ok… I think it’s human nature or male nature to go, ok, to judge… I don’t know, I can’t really… [the ballgame has obviously gotten his attention again.]

A: What if we did end up going to a swingers club and there was a couple we were both attracted to? How would you feel about the guy fucking me in front of you?

M: As long as I could do his wife… As long as I get to fuck her and you suck my cock when I come.

A: I am on board with that plan. Would you ever want to have a threesome with another man? What if I really wanted to?

M: I guess it’d be all right. But it’d have to be J—– (his gay co-worker).

A: Aha! I knew there was a man you’d fuck. But I guarantee it’d be easier to find a man for a threesome than a woman.

M: Yeah, but, I’m not interested.

A: You just said you were!

M: We’d have to be really selective.

A: Well, obviously.

M: Where else are you gonna find a man who looks as good as me?

A: One thing I’ve always loved about you is your modesty.

M: It is my best quality.

A: I came up with that joke a hundred years ago and you know it. Hey, for someone who didn’t want to be interviewed, you sure are having fun answering.

M: What can I say, I’m a talker. Is that a question?

A: No. You sure you don’t have any questions for me?

M: Have you met a girlfriend yet?

A: No. You’d know it if I had. Well, there was that woman at the lesbian bar who gave me her earrings.

M: That was kinda weird.

A: You’re telling me.

M: Is that somebody you would have potentially hooked up with?

A: Maybe. She had a lot of issues, though. I guess I attract people with issues. [referring of course to last summer's failed attempt]
Ok, I’ll close this interview by telling you I love you.

M: I want to know what sort of sexual activity would you like to experience next.

A: Same as you. I want to lick pussy.

M: If you could pick one vegetable to have sex with, which would it be?

A: Zucchini. Or a peach.

M: Peaches are very sexy.

A: Yeah, but they’re not vegetables. Whoops.

M: Minor detail.

A: Anything else?

M: I wouldn’t mind – I don’t know if I want *you* giving it to me up the ass while I’m fucking another woman, or if I want another woman fucking me while I fuck you? Or if I just want you to do it by yourself. Or if I want a man to do it. I don’t think so, though. I just like cleavage a lot. A LOT.

A: (laughing for a long time)

M: So I don’t think I want that.

A: This post is now over 1100 words. Way longer than most of my posts.

M: That’s what you said about my dick, too.

A: That doesn’t make any sense.

*****and…  scene*****

perfect storm

I’ve probably used that as a post title before, but honestly? I don’t care enough to go check. Deal with it.

As you might be guessing, I’ve not been in tip-top shape. I’m hormonal, depressed, and overwhelmed. It’s two weeks until my would-have-been-due date. I’ve not been to the gym in a week because of a foot injury. I haven’t made time to talk to Reed. I’ve barely done any studying. I’m in minimal power mode, and I’ve only got enough juice to operate the basic systems at the moment. I’m pretty sure I’ve been shitty to M. I think I’m doing okay with my kids but I might not be seeing too clearly.

If I don’t list the good stuff I’ll feel like a total bitch clicking ‘publish.’

• there’s been a few occasions for sexy sex. Good sexy sex.
• my friends Jane & Mark have confessed they like to hug me so often because they get good boob contact from me. Happy to oblige.
• I have jelly beans. Good ones. I’m going to eat some in the next 5 minutes.

(Don’t you guys agree that this [beyond ridiculous] post is totally e-lust worthy? *headdesk*)

how much

{three days ago, M told me clearly that he didn’t want me to feel censored here, at least by him. so I’m going to post this. any censoring is done by myself from here on out.}

After yesterday’s post I figured we were on a major upswing. I wrote it right after leaving a meeting with our life ins./investment advisor. {this post has little to do with sex and everything to do with marriage and relationships. feel free to click away and come back later for the smut.} During the meeting we both spoke freely about our issues with money – i.e., he is a tight-fisted disciplinarian saver, and I think there should be more of a balance between saving for the future and living in the present. This has been a battle for me, I used to be the type to way overspend and run up credit balances. But right now, we have next-to-no debt, a very comfortable cushion of savings, and college accounts for the kids. Both of us work for non-profits, and what we make combined is probably less than what most of you people make on your own. But as M has put the savings pressure on, we’ve gotten to the point where we save about 40% of our income. {in 2003, the national average was 1.4%} It’s kind of ridiculous.

I know it’s probably not ‘polite’ to talk about money with strangers, but I felt like you needed the background to what happened later. We left our meeting with smiles on our faces, having been told that we have enough cash right now, and that we should rearrange & reprioritize where the money is going so that we can better plan for retirement. I actually felt positive about our situation for the first time in ages. All my resentment towards M for being so strict had faded for the moment. I felt good that we’d done so well. We even high fived each other in the parking lot.

But last night, M revealed his true feelings. He reasserted that he still didn’t think we had enough in savings, despite what our professional advisor said. He completely disagrees with placing a higher level of importance on saving for retirement than saving for college, despite the opinion of pretty much every financial expert ever. {The kids can get loans & scholarships for college, no one will ever give us a loan or scholarship for retirement.} He is SO damn unapologetic and smug when he says this stuff.  And as a result, I’m back to feeling like our immediate needs are less a priority than this nebulous ‘future’. I have resisted going to a therapist for my depression because he’s made it clear we ‘don’t have the money.’ I can’t feel free to buy clothes for my shrinking frame because we ‘don’t have the money.’ I am always looking over my shoulder when I spend, afraid of his reactions.

His actions say that he cares more about money than about experiences or time spent with family. Bottom line is, I feel like he cares more about the amount in our savings account than about living today, about compromise, about my mental health, about making me feel secure, and safe, and loved.

wait, what?

So, the date. After a bunch of miscommunication, we finally got a sitter for Friday night. It wasn’t someone who we could have had spend the night, so mega-uber-super-awesome date night will have to wait for another time. I can’t tell you what we did, since that will tell you where and who we are; but it was great. There was free wine, let me just throw that out there. We got home, paid the sitter, and quite rapidly found ourselves undressed and fucking furiously.

The next day, as we nursed our tired, hungover bodies, we sat next to each other on the couch. Out of the blue, M says maybe we should go to <insert name of swingers club one city over here> sometime.

*record scratching*

A swingers club? Us? Later on we looked at the website, which is pretty detailed and user friendly for newbies. I’m not sure we’d EVER get to a point of doing any kind of swapping, but he did point out it might be a good place to finally satisfy my lady-lust. We’ll see. But the conversation got started, and almost all our conversation on just about any topic since has been more open, productive, and healthy. That’s a nice side-effect.

And last night we made out like teenagers on the bed and then I gave him a hand- and tit-job. We almost never ‘just’ do that kind of thing. Is this yet another fresh start? Time will tell.

 

plan

{I’m much, much better today. The worst has passed, just like Reed promised it would.}

Many, many times I have wished M would be more active in planning date nights. Many times. I can only tell him so much about these hopes without feeling like I’m nagging. And then, who wants to get a date night planned for them because they finally wore the other person down enough to do it?

So damnit, I think I will give him an example of what an amazing date night can be. Then he’ll have a reference point. I’ll let you all know what happens…

reunified

I’ve been away, visiting some family for a bit. Before I left, M was sick with something that interrupted our sex life for a bit. And right before he was sick, I had my period. So last night after I got back into town, we dealt with the kids, I unpacked, and other shit, it was time to get busy.

This is how I know I’m being (physically) affected by my anti-depressant: Remember back in June, when I got home from my 8 days away for work and I was BEYOND horny? This time it took a bit more effort. But I’m glad I gave it a go. M seems to have really missed me, it feels nice to have been pined for. I was missing him too, a whole lot. Re-reading that post just now reminds me I promised to never leave him for more than 2 days. I don’t like breaking promises.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post anymore. I just thought it was important to write something, and get back in the habit of it. It’s a lot easier to stay motivated when I know people are reading. All you lurkers need to come out of hiding and comment!