endings and beginnings

I’m thinking about people I love today.

I’m thinking about April 2006. It’s been seven years since my young cousin died of a heroin overdose. It was an ugly death – shocked us all even though we knew he struggled with his addiction. No one wants to think about a 21 year old kid dying alone on the floor while his ‘friends’ flush their drugs and clean up the paraphernalia before they bother to call 911. I still think about him all the time. I still ache for his parents, his sister, and for all of us who miss him.

I’m thinking about some good friends of mine, who after a 5 year wait are spending the day consumed with hope and fear over a court date taking place across the world; an event that determines the future of one little 10 month old boy and the potential adoptive parents who already love him. A few more hours and they’ll know if his parents relinquish custody and if he’s theirs. It will be nice to have a different reason to remember April 9th.

I’m thinking about my marriage. My counselor has asked me to write a letter to M, one that I’ll probably never give him. I can’t get started. I don’t know what to say. It’s tempting to let the current harmony we’re experiencing fool me into thinking we’re TOTALLY FINE. But I know we have so much work to do.

I’m thinking about how M’s been sleeping in the bed almost every night lately, and about how that makes me really happy and loved, even if it’s not always sexy.

I’m thinking about how I haven’t talked to Reed in a long time, and that I miss him a lot.

I’m thinking about my Gram, and how I hope she and my cousin are in a lovely place together waiting for the rest of us.

I’m thinking about my kids and how sometimes it hurts to look at them because they are so beautiful.

I’m thinking about people I love today.

memory aid #4

We did fuck this morning, despite an insanely stressful night before.  It took some pushing of my brain to get into it. But he enjoyed it, and that’s all that mattered to me in the moment.

 

(Ultimately all these posts are for M, but this one is also sort of for Reed, my very bossy friend.)

memory aid #3

This morning:

“Do you think it would be ok if at the Thanksgiving dinner I said I was thankful for my luscious wife and her smokin’ hot ass?”

“I think that would be totally appropriate, yes.”

 

 

memory aid #2

Today was an up and down day. Down when I woke up and received a really upsetting email first thing.  Up when I took a nice long shower and had time to shave everywhere.  Down having to go to work (this week & next are my annual hell weeks). Up when making things right regarding the upsetting email.  Down when having too much time in a boring office to sit and think and be depressed.  Up when spontaneously deciding to go to the restroom to take a series of sexy pictures with my phone and send them to M.  Down when I get home and realize how little time I have to fix dinner for M & the kids before I go out to teach a class.  Up when I get the BEST goodbye kiss of my life from him before I go. It was seriously Princess Bride- “Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.”- kind of good.

Now I’m home, we’re relaxing on the couch. I’m tired. He’s tired. I’m hoping for more kissing. I’m gonna ask him for more. I hope I get what I ask for.

memory aid

(Because I need to remember these things, and because I have trouble doing that, I’m going to write it here.  Expect these kind of short posts periodically.)

Last night before bed, I was standing in front of M to say goodnight (he was lying on the couch) and he said, “Wow, your legs look really sexy.”

This is the first compliment I have ever received in my life about my legs. He is the best man ever.  I just thought you all should know.