{three days ago, M told me clearly that he didn’t want me to feel censored here, at least by him. so I’m going to post this. any censoring is done by myself from here on out.}
After yesterday’s post I figured we were on a major upswing. I wrote it right after leaving a meeting with our life ins./investment advisor. {this post has little to do with sex and everything to do with marriage and relationships. feel free to click away and come back later for the smut.} During the meeting we both spoke freely about our issues with money – i.e., he is a tight-fisted disciplinarian saver, and I think there should be more of a balance between saving for the future and living in the present. This has been a battle for me, I used to be the type to way overspend and run up credit balances. But right now, we have next-to-no debt, a very comfortable cushion of savings, and college accounts for the kids. Both of us work for non-profits, and what we make combined is probably less than what most of you people make on your own. But as M has put the savings pressure on, we’ve gotten to the point where we save about 40% of our income. {in 2003, the national average was 1.4%} It’s kind of ridiculous.
I know it’s probably not ‘polite’ to talk about money with strangers, but I felt like you needed the background to what happened later. We left our meeting with smiles on our faces, having been told that we have enough cash right now, and that we should rearrange & reprioritize where the money is going so that we can better plan for retirement. I actually felt positive about our situation for the first time in ages. All my resentment towards M for being so strict had faded for the moment. I felt good that we’d done so well. We even high fived each other in the parking lot.
But last night, M revealed his true feelings. He reasserted that he still didn’t think we had enough in savings, despite what our professional advisor said. He completely disagrees with placing a higher level of importance on saving for retirement than saving for college, despite the opinion of pretty much every financial expert ever. {The kids can get loans & scholarships for college, no one will ever give us a loan or scholarship for retirement.} He is SO damn unapologetic and smug when he says this stuff. And as a result, I’m back to feeling like our immediate needs are less a priority than this nebulous ‘future’. I have resisted going to a therapist for my depression because he’s made it clear we ‘don’t have the money.’ I can’t feel free to buy clothes for my shrinking frame because we ‘don’t have the money.’ I am always looking over my shoulder when I spend, afraid of his reactions.
His actions say that he cares more about money than about experiences or time spent with family. Bottom line is, I feel like he cares more about the amount in our savings account than about living today, about compromise, about my mental health, about making me feel secure, and safe, and loved.
