endings and beginnings

I’m thinking about people I love today.

I’m thinking about April 2006. It’s been seven years since my young cousin died of a heroin overdose. It was an ugly death – shocked us all even though we knew he struggled with his addiction. No one wants to think about a 21 year old kid dying alone on the floor while his ‘friends’ flush their drugs and clean up the paraphernalia before they bother to call 911. I still think about him all the time. I still ache for his parents, his sister, and for all of us who miss him.

I’m thinking about some good friends of mine, who after a 5 year wait are spending the day consumed with hope and fear over a court date taking place across the world; an event that determines the future of one little 10 month old boy and the potential adoptive parents who already love him. A few more hours and they’ll know if his parents relinquish custody and if he’s theirs. It will be nice to have a different reason to remember April 9th.

I’m thinking about my marriage. My counselor has asked me to write a letter to M, one that I’ll probably never give him. I can’t get started. I don’t know what to say. It’s tempting to let the current harmony we’re experiencing fool me into thinking we’re TOTALLY FINE. But I know we have so much work to do.

I’m thinking about how M’s been sleeping in the bed almost every night lately, and about how that makes me really happy and loved, even if it’s not always sexy.

I’m thinking about how I haven’t talked to Reed in a long time, and that I miss him a lot.

I’m thinking about my Gram, and how I hope she and my cousin are in a lovely place together waiting for the rest of us.

I’m thinking about my kids and how sometimes it hurts to look at them because they are so beautiful.

I’m thinking about people I love today.

ok.

These things are making me feel ok at the moment… sometimes, I even feel better than ok.

• Doctor Who. Seriously, my boy & I have been steadily consuming at least 3 episodes a day over the past week. That’ll slow down when he heads back to school Monday.
• My steaming mug of coffee comforting my chilly hands in the morning. And then the warm coffee itself, heating my insides and waking me up.
• M complimented my hair last night. Felt like a small crack in the ice.
• Reconnecting with some of you via recent comments & blog posts.
• The anticipation of my upcoming counseling appointment.
• The Nerdist podcast – I have a massive lady-boner for Chris Hardwick.
• Having revealed the existence of this blog to a friend from high school and having him say “Get the hell out of here! That’s awesome!”
• It’s almost pool weather. I should probably do some bush-whacking.

 

wait, what?

So, the date. After a bunch of miscommunication, we finally got a sitter for Friday night. It wasn’t someone who we could have had spend the night, so mega-uber-super-awesome date night will have to wait for another time. I can’t tell you what we did, since that will tell you where and who we are; but it was great. There was free wine, let me just throw that out there. We got home, paid the sitter, and quite rapidly found ourselves undressed and fucking furiously.

The next day, as we nursed our tired, hungover bodies, we sat next to each other on the couch. Out of the blue, M says maybe we should go to <insert name of swingers club one city over here> sometime.

*record scratching*

A swingers club? Us? Later on we looked at the website, which is pretty detailed and user friendly for newbies. I’m not sure we’d EVER get to a point of doing any kind of swapping, but he did point out it might be a good place to finally satisfy my lady-lust. We’ll see. But the conversation got started, and almost all our conversation on just about any topic since has been more open, productive, and healthy. That’s a nice side-effect.

And last night we made out like teenagers on the bed and then I gave him a hand- and tit-job. We almost never ‘just’ do that kind of thing. Is this yet another fresh start? Time will tell.

 

anti-climactic

We had some amazing, phenomenal, very very sexy fucking last night, and then something I’d hoped would happen to finish things off didn’t happen, and I got very sad and disappointed because I’d built this all up in my head as this amazing way to let what I thought we wanted to happen happen and then we talked for a bit and it turned out that yet again we weren’t on the same page about this issue even though I totally thought we were and then it totally ruined the night and we both fell asleep and I don’t know how to bring it up again or if I even want to and I just wish I could go back (in my head) to the ignorant innocence most people have about this shit instead of the constant scrutiny and timing and disappointment.

*exhales loudly*

truth

I’ve followed this couple for a long while. They’ve got quite the courtship story. And recently their house burned down. But they’re still making some amazing stuff. It’s awesome that they made this video together. Love is all about communication, and so on Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate a couple who’s attempting to know each other better.

Oh, and this is pretty much EXACTLY where M and I were a couple years back. You could have sat us down at a table with a camera and we’d have said these very same things. I hope they make it past the other side, because they’re both cute as hell and I bet their sex would be HAWT.

(come on, you know you can spare 8 minutes to watch this.)

sequel

Ever since Natasha and I became friends, she’s been asking for M & I to arrange a sequel to this post.  What can I say?  She’s a total lush, doesn’t want to get her own sexy sex blog, and so she peer-pressures innocent ladies like me to get hammered, have a wild and crazy fuck, and then write about it.  Because I am an awesome friend, I decided to try and accommodate her desires and do just that.

Beyond the fact that it was an amazing fuck, M and I just had a really fantastic time together last night.  He had worked hard, had gotten a lot more done over the past 2 days than he anticipated and was feeling good about that.  I’d had a rough afternoon and was teetering on the edge of allowing myself to fall into that dark place I get sucked into.  The end of my workday was challenging – I was waiting to hear back from someone on something important and never could get connected there, the kids had been particularly (for them) disobedient and, let’s be totally honest, annoying… I was tired.

So once the kids were in bed, I poured a drink.  A large one.  M was tired of the vodka bottle in the fridge, it’s a strange height that doesn’t fit on any shelf.  He declared that I was to finish what was left.  I told him if I did that, I’d be on the floor, would he pick me up?  M: “No, but I will fuck you.”  My jaw dropped.

He wanted to send an email, take a shower, make his lunch for tomorrow.  Then he’d help me finish the bottle.  So I made myself another very large beverage, leaving some for him, and hung out on Twitter with my pals.  M typically has little patience for this, but last night he had the Christmas spirit (or something) and was particularly charming and witty and interactive and participatory.  He’d finished all his things to do, and was being goofy with me and my friends.  I told him to go drink his drink, and to hurry up because he’d promised to fuck me.

He left the room, and went to our bedroom.  In his hands when he came back were the ridiculous Kama Sutra book and the dvd we’d watched on our anniversary.  We lasted about 5 minutes into one of the dvd scenes before he was teasing my nipples.  He forwarded it to the lesbian scene.  Now we’re talking.  In my loose-tongued state, I told him just how much I’m still interested in finding a woman to fuck.  He is on board.

He lifts me up, bends me over the arm of the couch, and starts fucking me.  Spanking me.  He spanked me so hard I wanted to say our safe word.  But I forgot our safe word.  So I pushed him away from me and told him to stop, which he did.  We started fucking again and I turned my head to the side, watching the women on the screen, and I start running my mouth again. Telling M how much it turns me on, the thought of doing that with someone.

We make it to the bedroom, and I ask him to just get on top of me and let’s fuck.  So he does – and it’s SO good.  Soon he wants more friction, which he gets by turning me over on the edge of the bed.  Here’s where some details go hazy, but I definitely remember shouting something to the effect of “I want you to fuck me like this while I lick a pussy!!”  Yeah.  So.

After we’d both had enough fucking and reached orgasm(s, for me), we laid there, talking, laughing.  M suggested we don’t fuck again until Saturday night, when he’s going to spray come all over my face.  I agreed to this, despite how I will feel by Friday without sex for so many days (I know, I know – many of you want to tell me to shut my mouth for that one).  I agree because he’s been giving me exactly what I need the past couple weeks, and I want to do the same for him.  He’s been planning ahead, making the moves, and generally surprising me with his level of desire and creativity.  Reed says I’ve trained him.  I think we’ve just finally gotten on the same page.  I love being here, being with M.

honeybadger don’t care

We’ve finished another couple of True Blood episodes.  We’re both hooked on that show.  Super duper sexy, if you can get past all the blood & guts.  I pop onto Twitter, seeing a friend’s profile picture reminds me that M has never seen the honeybadger on youtube.  We watch it, laugh hysterically.  I’ve been thinking all day that I’d like to fuck tonight but I’m also sick with a massive headcold.  M told me earlier he didn’t want me too close to him, no kissing, no germs.  So laughing with my man is a decent substitute, a good way to end the night.  Who knew, there are more videos like the honeybadger!  “What’s that?  A cobra?  EWWWW!”  We watch a couple more – too many snakes for my phobia to overcome.  (No, I can’t even watch them on a screen or look at pictures.)

While one video is still playing, M reaches past me, hits the sleep button on the computer.  Apparently he has rethought his aversion to my touch and is willing to risk the germs.  I’m not too excited about fucking on the couch – there’s this ridge under the place between the cushions that always digs into my back.  But it’s ok for now.  We quickly get into fucking each other, him on top.  I take my glasses off and reach behind my head to put them on the windowsill.  I guess I touch the mouse or something, because all of the sudden we hear Russell’s voice, narrating about the slow-ass sloth.  Despite the fact that my husband’s dick is currently inside my body, we burst out laughing.  I’ve got no voice at all, so my laugh is even funnier sounding than ever.  This of course makes us laugh even harder.  M, bless him, keeps fucking away, even while he laughs with me.  He reaches up and mutes the computer.  We calm down, get serious, and then I remember what just happened and we get hysterical again.

At this moment one of our kids cries out, probably a nightmare.  I get up and go comfort her, settle her back in.  I meet M in the bedroom and there’s no more laughing.  But there is fucking.  He’s got me over the bed, I’m on my stomach.  There is hard spanking. There is hair pulling.  He’s serious now.  I get serious very quickly.  For the first time I put up a struggle, my head just isn’t in that submissive place right now.  I tell him no, I try to crawl away.  I do not use our safeword, though, so some part of me is still okay with what’s happening.  He makes me come.  He pushes me to my knees as he sits on the edge of the bed, and I suck and stroke him until he explodes all over my hands.  It drips down onto my thighs, his legs, everywhere.  I clean us up, we fall quickly asleep.  I wake up this morning, smiling.  I think we’re going to be all right.

unexpected morning

In the mornings one of our kids has to be up and out by 8am. That usually leave us an hour to putter around before getting the other one on her way. Several times we’ve taken advantage of that, but the other morning as I snuggle up to M around 7:30, it just seems different. He puts his hand on my hip and there is some kind of silent communication between us, and we both know that we’ll be back in this bed within a half hour.

It’s sweet, very loving.  It’s been a few days.  We’ve both got that “third day” feeling, like if we don’t do this right now, we’ll burst. His hands – I know, I go on and on about them, but seriously – his hands work their magic on my boobs, on my ass, on my pussy lips.  I reach down to feel his morning hardon, always impressive.  I think it might be more than just a morning one right now, though.  He gets me ready in minutes because he knows exactly what to touch.  I love feeling how his arms flex while he thrusts in and out.  Soon he moves behind me, spooning me and slipping back inside.  I rub my clit and lips.  It’s a different feeling, I haven’t waxed in well over a month and I’d forgotten what bush felt like.  M doesn’t seem to mind terribly, but we do both prefer me smooth.  I feel the orgasm building, it’s so pleasant a feeling I could stay on that edge for a while, but the fact is, we’ve got places to be.  I let it spill over into the overwhelming spasms around him, and soon he’s pulling out and telling me to stroke him as he comes onto my labia.  It’s a lot.  Again I wish we had the camera handy, just for posterity’s sake.

Right now there’s no pressure.  I’m not fertile at the moment, so fucking is all about fucking.  I know my mind is gonna go crazy enough in the coming months as I wait to get pregnant.  It’s so sweet to have this reprieve, this kind of perfect morning with the man I love.

lost

(We interrupt this sex blog to bring you news of a major event.  I promise the next post will contain sexy sex, because we’re still having a lot of it.)

Five days after we’ve returned from our trip, M & I head to Home Depot to get a part for him to fix the sink.   I want to pick out some paint chips to choose a color for the hallway and bathroom.   M doesn’t know exactly what I’ve got in mind, and he suddenly stops me and asks, “Wait, are you going to show me a pink chip and a blue chip to tell me you’re pregnant?”  After picking my jaw up off the floor I reassure him that no, this would be impossible. The timing of our 2 vacation fucks was off, and he only came inside me for one of those anyway.  Besides, it would have been far too early to tell.  I chalk it up to him being silly.

Twelve days later, my period still hasn’t arrived. I figure it’s the stress of the past few weeks, or my infertility disorder wreaking havoc yet again. It’s a Tuesday.  That afternoon I join a gym, because I’m sick of feeling so gross.  On the way home, I stop and buy a 3pack of pregnancy tests.  I’m shocked, but beyond happy to see a 2nd line come up.  I plan to hang onto the secret until I can get to Home Depot the next day to pick up a blue & pink paint chip.  Of course I can’t hang on by myself, so I tell one friend, so it’ll seem real.

The next morning, I’m spotting.  I did this with my other pregnancies, I don’t freak immediately.  I leave the paint chips in my husband’s drawer to find when he arrives home.  He texts me and asks if I’m serious.  We’re both so happy.

By the next afternoon, it’s clear that this is more than ordinary spotting.  Our baby is dead.  My heart falls apart.

Almost everyone to whom I tell our news is wonderfully and perfectly supportive, loving and kind.  There are a couple of those people who don’t know what to say, who mess it up by telling me I’ll get over it, or that it was probably for the best.  Then there are the people who think we’re irresponsible idiots for wanting a third kid.  I don’t care what they say.  All I want is to have my baby back.  I also want to have some kind of physical sensation to overpower this grief that’s consuming me.  I am very anxious to feel well enough to fuck M.  I mess up my first attempt at being close with him.  It’s no wonder – I’m so emotionally unpredictable that I confuse him, a total turn-off.

When we finally do come together, I feel loved, I feel safe, I feel the first flickers of hope that I might one day climb out of this despair.  Over the last week, I’ve gone up and down. Some days I maintain an equilibrium of sorts.  Other days the darkness descends and scares me.  I bewilder many of my friends & family with the intensity I display. I go to the gym and work out like a fiend, sometimes with tears streaming down my face. A man on a treadmill next to me said, “Um, you look like you’re really working out some anger on that thing.”  Yes, sir, yes, I am.

All I have left is a crappy cell phone photo of the pregnancy test, and the two paint chips.  That’s nowhere near enough to quantify how much this tiny and far-too-short life has changed mine.  It’ll never be enough.

dislike

In case anyone was wondering, I am absolutely NOT into orgasm denial. You know, where you get brought to the absolute edge and then are left hanging there with no release?  Yeah.  It’s not for me.

I found this out this morning.  Twice.

I love being a parent.