dipping my toes in

I’ve logged in probably 10 times recently, thinking and hoping I’d just sit down to write and that it’d go smoothly and the words would simply flow. Doesn’t work that way.

But know that I’m ok. We’re ok. We’re connecting and navigating the time in front of us as it comes.

I’ve made a decision to take an extended break from work this summer and do some traveling; at first it’ll just be me & our daughter, then M & our son will join us. I’ve set up a trip blog for this and will be posting during the prep time and then along the way. If anyone wants the link, leave a comment and I’ll email it to you. But since I use our actual names on there, PLEASE, if you comment on the trip blog DO NOT link to your sex blogs that could connect the dots from there to here. I’ve got all comments going to moderation over there to help safeguard everyone’s privacy.

There, have I broken the ice enough to get back to writing about sexy sex? Only time will tell.

 

shatpank

I don’t know exactly what that word means in the title, but this dude made it up, and it sounds like something really, really shitty, so I have appropriated it (with permission) to describe the utter chaos currently residing in my brain and body.  There’s only so much I can tell you.  I described it to Reed as feeling like I’ve put myself into 5 or 6 different Horcruxes, making me weak but hard to kill.

My life offline and my life online are at complete odds. In my view, the only fix for this is to change careers, where the pressure is lessened, or to deny what’s become a big part of who I am as a very sexual 33 year old woman.  This part of me simply can’t be expressed in my public life as things stand today.  Am I ready for this season of my life to be over?

I’ve faced disapproval from people I care about greatly (but have only received encouragement from M) regarding my desire for women.  Thought I’d closed that door, but I evidently haven’t.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with our choices, but I would expect to feel loved and supported throughout whatever I did choose.  I hope I do the same for others.

M needs to learn about the blog, too.  I’ve got a plan.  We’re going on vacation in the beginning of August, and I’ve printed out every post and every comment to give to him.  I want to tell him the truth, that I started this to be honest with myself about our marriage, our sex lives, and our love.  I hope I’ve done that.  If he asks me to stop, I will.  I may just come back from vacation, take down all the posts, and slap up a farewell.  Or, I may come back with a dozen new stories to tell, this time with M’s official input.  I really hope it’s the latter.

Sorry this post is vague and rambling.  But when you feel like shatpank after a night of panic and nearly zero sleep, that’s all you can do.